Ah, the elementary school field trip. A daring excursion into the world unknown. As time marches on, and technology changes the world, it is a comfort to know that some things are left untouched. The school field trip is the same today as it was thirty-some years ago.
The only thing that's changed, is...Word. Being a parent chaperone on a field trip is a far different experience than being a first grader on a field trip. It's better to be a first grader.
Upon boarding the bus, you will be instructed by the bus driver that you are to sit three to a seat. She'll sound like this. "Three-to-a-seat kids. Three-to-a-seat." You'll look at her. Look at the seats. Look at her again. She can't possibly expect an adult sized butt to sit with two child sized butts on the same seat can she? Let me assure you. She does.
So you do. You will be able to accomodate one of your butt cheeks on the seat. The other will be in the aisle. Unless you are the size of a first grader. Which I am not.
The bus takes off. Bump bump bump bump bump. Were busses this bumpy when you were a kid? Yeah, they were. It just wasn't as bad because your entire butt was seated. Now you have to somehow balance while carrying on a game of rock - paper - scissors with your seat mates.
After the first five minutes of enduring the blessed lack of shock absorbtion, you will suddenly wish you had not had that morning cup of coffee. What were you thinking? Oh, yeah, you were thinking proactively right? You're going to need that little extra boost of caffeinated energy to keep up with your charges. What you didn't think about how your bladder just aint what it used to be after two pregnancies.
Suddenly, you're shouting along with the kids - "Are we there yet? How much longer? Are we there yet?" Sorry - forty five minutes to go. What are you going to do? When in Rome, as they say. For me, I became a first grader. Heck, I was already half way there. I had to pee within the first five minutes of going on a trip. I wasn't driving. I was squirming like a banschee. Might as well dive all the way in.
In becoming a first grader there are a three simple rules to which you must adhere.
Number One - You are loud. Loud is good. Louder is better. Loudest is best. It's very simple really.
Number Two - A good joke will immediately catapult you in popularity. A good joke involves the word butt and or makes mention of something you do with your butt. Or, if not directly related to a butt, is related to something near a butt. Butts are very very funny.
For example - The following joke "rocks".
First grader - "How do you spell 'I cup'?
Mrs. Word - "I - C - U - P"
First grader - "AAAAHHHHHAAAAAAAAA. Get it?
I see you pee!
Of course you're thinking - You don't know the half of it kid because if I don't get off this bus pretty soon everyone is going to see me pee.
Number Three - Never ever sit or stand still. NEVER! This is simply unacceptable behavior by any standard. Bodies are made to move, therefore you must move them. Bounce up and down on those bus seat. Kneel on those bus seats. Check out the accomodations on the floor. Knock the lady sitting on one butt cheek into the aisle. Whatever you do - don't sit still.
Seriously though. Field trips are a blast. It's so fun to get into the excitement of the kids. When the kids in your group fight over who gets to hold your hand while walking around the park, zoo, circus, or wherever you happen to be - well - it's all worth it.
But - all things considered - when the teacher tells her students to use the bathroom before they get on the bus - she knows what she's talking about. USE IT!
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13 comments:
Field trips at the high school level are about the same as that in elementary school.
Except when a kid asks if we are there yet, you get pissed off right away. Not after the third or fourth time.
The buses are bumpy. Don't expect to get anything accomplished while on the drive to and fro. I try to fill out my line-up cards (baseball) on the way to games, but I can't because my hand-writing is putrid.
Oh, and don't forget about throwing crap out he windows. Or the making out. Or the abhorent swearing. Or texting. Wait, that last one actually is chaperone friendly.
Trust me, beer is always a cure for the after school reflection on the trip!!
Anonymous,
Bahaahahaa. Sounds like the stuff of a Steven King novel. Yeesh!
Have you noticed how the bus drivers have not changed one iota from when we were in school?
What's up with that?
Word
Sounds like you got into the spirit of it, Word...despite your uncomfortable ride!
I assume a good time was had by all.
Hi Mary,
It was a lot of fun! I'm still kicking myself for forgetting the camera though. Sheez!
We went to circus world museum up in Baraboo.
Favorite part was the dancing elephant. I kid you not. They had an elephant that danced. I was in Zippy Zoop land the whole time, taking mental notes of this and that. I think we'll have to take another trip this summer with the family and this time I will not forget the camera!
Hi Word:
I couldn't stop laughing at the "butts are funny" part of your post. I told my niece, when she was six, that I could make her laugh without trying. She accepted the challenge. I stared straight into her not-so-innocent little blue eyes and said "Monkey-Butt". I won.
Word, my dear, you forgot an essential component of the school field trip, and that is the lunch. Now, I don't know how the moms do things nowadays, but back in the day when we didn't have nifty insulated lunch bags complete with mini-cookers and nutrition calculators, we took our brown bag lunch in a brown paper sack. The only difference between that and a regular school lunch was that we were allowed to bring a can of pop. Wrapped in tin foil to keep it cold. Believe it or not, that tin foil trick worked.
I was in Philadelphia two years ago, and decided to tour Independence Hall. My friend and I got caught in line between two fifth grade field trip classes, both from New Jersey, given the speech patterns of the chaperones. That was a trip. There was one chaperone, a teacher I believe, who was the teacher who never shut up. She was barking out directions, reprimands, orders, questions, non-stop until her herd was shepherded through security. I have to hand it to her, though, her crew was orderly. Imagine, if you will, and in your best New Jersey accent, the following: "Now did everybody hear the guard you'll need to empty your pockets and put everything through security its like an airport give me anything you want to put back on the bus and we will lock it up no Jason you cannot have food throw that away ok i'll put it on the bus but it will melt into a big slimy mess you should have listened and waited to buy this later yes Shelby don't worry about the book that won't get hurt in the X-Ray machine THOMAS AND PETER if you don't stop that right now you will be separated in fact I'm separating you now ok let's start marching in DAVID WHY DO YOU HAVE YOUR MP3 PLAYER I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE THAT ON THE LOCKED BUS NO THERE'S NO MORE TIME TO TAKE IT BACK YOU'LL HAVE TO TAKE YOUR CHANCES IT'S YOUR OWN FAULT IF IT GETS FRIED ok five at a time listen to the security guards and don't wander off there's no place you can go anyway you should have thought of that before we lined up you'll have to hold it..."
After her crew was marched in, I realized that I had been listening to her so intently that I felt like I was 10 and in her class. And that I really really had to pee....
Bookchyck,
That is HILARIOUS! You've captured the essense of teachers perfectly. Amazing how they are able to direct traffic like that.
I remember the pop cans wrapped in tinfoil. What a treat that was. Remember RC Cola? MMMMM. Have you had it recently? It sucks. Blech.
Brown paper bags are still the preferred meathod of field trip lunches. Actually not preferred. Required. AND do not bring anything in that lunch that cannot be thrown away.
Pop is a big no no. You will get numerous looks from teachers. You may as well light up a ciggy and open a cold bear, because the look you get will be exactly the same. Tsssk tssk tssk. No wonder little Billy can't stay on task. Mom drinks S-O-D-A (and it's not even diet)
Bookchyck - you crack me up. I may enlist you in an upcoming blog. Kind of like a dueling banjos if you will. Hmmmm.
Later and thanks for coming out!
Word
I just read my post. I spelled beer wrong. Sheez.
I kid you not, true story. A friend told me once his older brother replaced the can of soda wrapped in tin foil with a can of beer wrapped in tin foil the night before his younger brother had a field trip. What a prank!! I laughed so hard I almost spilt my beer at the time.
Now THAT is hilarious!!! Was it PBR?
Word--
I accept your challenge! Dueling banjo-blog writing sounds like something I could sink my teeth into. Just not this weekend--girls weekend for mani-pedi-facials in the big city. Perhaps the experience will be fruitful for the creative writing side of my brain....
What's really disturbing is immediately after a weekend watching my nieces, just out of habit, starting to smile at butt references...
It's more picturing them giggling madly, but the complete strangers looking on have no way of knowing that.
But the field trip sounds like a blast, and I'm so proud of you for getting completely into it and letting your inner kid enjoy the day to its fullest.
so glad YOU got to have all that fun! :P lol
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