Field Trips - An Adults Perspective

Ah, the elementary school field trip. A daring excursion into the world unknown. As time marches on, and technology changes the world, it is a comfort to know that some things are left untouched. The school field trip is the same today as it was thirty-some years ago.

The only thing that's changed, is...Word. Being a parent chaperone on a field trip is a far different experience than being a first grader on a field trip. It's better to be a first grader.

Upon boarding the bus, you will be instructed by the bus driver that you are to sit three to a seat. She'll sound like this. "Three-to-a-seat kids. Three-to-a-seat." You'll look at her. Look at the seats. Look at her again. She can't possibly expect an adult sized butt to sit with two child sized butts on the same seat can she? Let me assure you. She does.

So you do. You will be able to accomodate one of your butt cheeks on the seat. The other will be in the aisle. Unless you are the size of a first grader. Which I am not.

The bus takes off. Bump bump bump bump bump. Were busses this bumpy when you were a kid? Yeah, they were. It just wasn't as bad because your entire butt was seated. Now you have to somehow balance while carrying on a game of rock - paper - scissors with your seat mates.

After the first five minutes of enduring the blessed lack of shock absorbtion, you will suddenly wish you had not had that morning cup of coffee. What were you thinking? Oh, yeah, you were thinking proactively right? You're going to need that little extra boost of caffeinated energy to keep up with your charges. What you didn't think about how your bladder just aint what it used to be after two pregnancies.

Suddenly, you're shouting along with the kids - "Are we there yet? How much longer? Are we there yet?" Sorry - forty five minutes to go. What are you going to do? When in Rome, as they say. For me, I became a first grader. Heck, I was already half way there. I had to pee within the first five minutes of going on a trip. I wasn't driving. I was squirming like a banschee. Might as well dive all the way in.

In becoming a first grader there are a three simple rules to which you must adhere.

Number One - You are loud. Loud is good. Louder is better. Loudest is best. It's very simple really.

Number Two - A good joke will immediately catapult you in popularity. A good joke involves the word butt and or makes mention of something you do with your butt. Or, if not directly related to a butt, is related to something near a butt. Butts are very very funny.
For example - The following joke "rocks".

First grader - "How do you spell 'I cup'?
Mrs. Word - "I - C - U - P"
First grader - "AAAAHHHHHAAAAAAAAA. Get it?
I see you pee!

Of course you're thinking - You don't know the half of it kid because if I don't get off this bus pretty soon everyone is going to see me pee.

Number Three - Never ever sit or stand still. NEVER! This is simply unacceptable behavior by any standard. Bodies are made to move, therefore you must move them. Bounce up and down on those bus seat. Kneel on those bus seats. Check out the accomodations on the floor. Knock the lady sitting on one butt cheek into the aisle. Whatever you do - don't sit still.

Seriously though. Field trips are a blast. It's so fun to get into the excitement of the kids. When the kids in your group fight over who gets to hold your hand while walking around the park, zoo, circus, or wherever you happen to be - well - it's all worth it.

But - all things considered - when the teacher tells her students to use the bathroom before they get on the bus - she knows what she's talking about. USE IT!

Putrid Desks and Homeruns

What the h - e - double hockey sticks is a cam bolt? And who the flip is Alan? Let him know I have his wrench, will ya. You can also let him know what he can do with his stinkin' wrench!

Word spent the last three hours trying to put together one of those stupid put-together computer desks. It broke. Or rather, I broke it. Putrid thing. Eighty bucks and three hours of work for zip, nadda, zilch.

So I blog.

Today I read an article in the newspaper. I'm not talking about the advice columns. Although, I read those too. No, this was a real honest to goodness news story that hit a home run with me.

It involved a game of softball. A simple game between two college teams. An amazing game in which a young woman hit her first ever home run over the fence. As she began her trot around the bases, she missed touching first base. Realizing her mistake, she turned back to tap first but her knew buckled and she fell to the ground. Torn ACL. Couldn't move. Probably will never play another game in her college career. And, unless she goes around the bases, her homerun will go in the record books as a single.....Unless.......the opposing team helps her. They do. They carry this woman to second, third, and finally home. That's softball. Those are the kind of people that play the game. Did both teams want to win the game? You bet they did. Did both teams play their hardest in hopes of winning the game? You bet they did. Did both teams want to win a fair game? You bet they did. Would either team have been able to hold their head up and say they won fair and square if they stood by and said "tough noogies" to someone who had just blasted one out of the park only to crumble at first base with an injured knee? No they would not have.

There are days that I wish life was like softball.

Discuss...life...softball....putrid put-together-desks...

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